like a big fat baby, i feel like crying and sobbing…. i don’t even have the energy to stomp my feet… i just feel weighted down by sadness. :(

“it’s not you, it’s me” I wanted to say to the man I met tonite. a man with nice eyes, who is in the front row just like me… he even owns his own business (a great sign in terms of who I’m attracting). a man who was sorta kinda picking me up in a nice way, but quickly got the hint when i didn’t – make that, *couldn’t* – bring myself to reciprocate.

I don’t think I can date for months and months and months from now.

::::

tonite my friend saw me at the show and mentioned she saw rick outside, and asked if he might be waiting for me. “No.” I had to reply. But, in the six feet and people shuffling past between us, she felt why… and all she could say back was, “Oh.”.

Ya… Oh…. Oh, I see. So much is in that. So much of why…

right that second, it felt like my heart was broken into a thousand little pieces.

::::::

Lastnight I had a dream about Rick. We were on some long hike, or course… where every so many hours we’d find ourselves running into a small little forgotten town. But I was by myself… he was somewhere on the course, but we weren’t together. And it was like a treasure hunt of sorts… except I didn’t know where I was going… or what I was looking for, but the game was to just keep walking along the path until you found each little town and then figure out what message or next step you could glean from the every day people who lived there.

At some point in the dream, we were standing together on the path. Standing closely, holding each other closely…. kissing passionately and me, telling him over and over how much I love him. Over and over, it’s all that would come out, in between our sweet kisses. I knew I shouldn’t have been telling him… but I couldn’t stop and he didn’t mind.. so we just cherished that moment where we were letting ourselves love each other so deeply.

I remember thinking, while I was on the course by myself, that I wanted to find him again. But there were mixed emotions.. not knowing whether I should go looking for him or not… and if I did.. would that mean having to go forward or back where I had already walked.

Pretty interesting….

I miss him terribly. He looks at me like he can’t tell me what he’s feeling… and I probably look back at him like nothing’s wrong.. and everything’s fine…when inside me I think I’m yelling at him, “why can’t you show me how you feel!!” but of course he can’t. neither of us can… we just have to act like everythings fine and keep going.

relationships are stupid. I don’t want to be with anyone ever. (not true) I just wish it didn’t feel like it’s getting harder and harder the longer time goes by. Isn’t this supposed to be getting easier? ug.